Going to the beach... with kids!

Family Circle Magazine- June 2012

Last night, while finishing up a half eaten Rice Krispy Treat one of my kids left in his lunch box (don’t judge) I opened up a magazine that was sitting in a pile of mail on my counter.   Without looking at the title of the magazine, I just started to flip through the pages.  I stopped at the pictures of these hot models in their one piece bathing suits and snickered.  Obviously, these models were not meant to look like moms.  But then, I saw the cover, it was the “Family Circle” June 2012 edition.  What the heck?

I love each and every one of my friends, and though many of them are very good looking, none of them have ever looked anything even close to this while going to the beach.  I would expect that a magazine that is sold to mothers would know that. 

But, since the magazine obviously assumes we all have nanny’s or at the very least plastic surgeons and fitness trainers, let me educate them on what a real life scenario of a mom going to the beach looks like:

1.        My “one piece” is actually a tankini since it tends to flatter my body better.  And I’m usually trying to figure out a way to keep the boobs in the top (which actually means, keep them from smashing out since they are saggy and deflated but horrifyingly still big) , rather than flashing them to everyone.  Don’t forget the huge Mu-Mu (often referred to as a “cover up”),I wear over my bathing suit to help hide the 10-15 pounds (more like 20, but I would never admit that on a public blog) I’m still carrying around my stomach since having my first baby, the nice stretch marks I have collected on my upper thighs, and the bright white legs I have yet to get tan because I prefer capri’s to shorts.

2.       My hair, if even washed, is in a much messier pony tail that is usually half falling out (thanks to the baby who keep grabbing it) with a bunch of split ends (when does anyone have time to sit down for a haircut).

3.       Accessories don’t come in gold or silver, they tend to be huge items like the umbrella, chairs, cooler, diaper bag, sand toys, boogie boards, and a screaming baby on my hip.  And don’t expect to see my kids or anyone else helping me drag all these “accessories” over the hot sand because they have either ran up ahead while I’m screaming at them to stop or they are screaming for me to pick them up because they don’t want to walk.

4.       There is nothing calm and serene about my face.  The blood vessel on my forehead looks like it’s about to burst, I’m cursing to myself about how stupid it was to think that a trip the beach with three kids and just myself would be fun, and I’m shaking from forgetting to eat breakfast even though I cooked my kids a huge pancake meal. 

The list can go on for hours, but I’m pretty sure you get my point.  The pictures in this family magazine make me snort just as loud as the blogs that are meant for “budget families” that fill their posts with discounts like “Save $50 off of $550 for a one night stay at the beach” or “Enjoy brunch with the family at the Ritz Carlton for 10% off”. 

So, Family Circle Magazine, if you happen to stumble upon my silly little start-up blog I would like for you to know that I would much rather see a giveaway for a “Summer Nanny Helper” or an article on how to “Surgically add four more arms without having to take a day off of work to recover”.  Until then, this magazine is going to be just collecting space in my already full trash can.

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